Obligatory Dark Tower update

Alright, so despite not really wanting to see the Dark Tower adaption, I got free preview tickets for it, so I saw it a couple of days ago.

To put it bluntly, I predicted long ago that this would be utter shit, and it was. Just…,ugh, terrible. Hated it.

This is a cliffnotes version of The Dark Tower. That is, all seven books compressed into one 95(!) minute film. And it works about as well as one would think. I’m honestly baffled that this thing made it to the screen. This director, Arcel, is said to be a massive fan of the books, but I don’t know, at times I wondered whether or not he’d read them.

A DT adaption could have worked as a gritty, slow-moving series. Trying to adapt it to an action-centric hour & a half movie just doesn’t work. Among the chief issues I have with this is the fact that I’d want it to be bleak. Mid-World is a world that has ‘moved on’. It’s supposed to be desolate, dark and dangerous. I didn’t feel any of that in the film. It doesn’t really help that about a majority of the film takes places in modern day New York.

Moreover, it’s relatively easy to go between worlds here. Just power up a portal in the first village you come across and you can go to NY and have a hotdog. Ugh. And god, The Man in Black has this base where he captures children with ‘the Shine’ (fuck’s sake), and this place has portals he can go through whenever, to wherever. You know all that time Roland spent chasing the MiB across Mid-World, all that time MiB spent masquerading around Gilead? Fuck that shit. Matthew Mcconaughey’s MiB can just be wherever he wants, whenever. And he has this cool, tech team of young twenty-somethings helping him out from the base.

Oh my god, the more I think this over the more I hate it.

Uh, I don’t know. Idris Elba did okay. It’s hard shoes for him to fill as I’ve always pictured Roland as Pete Postlethwaite circa 1997. He does okay. Actually, the film builds up his grand introduction to when he meets Jake out in the middle of nowhere, right? Except they show him in ‘visions’ several times up until that, wasting this intro! Fucks sake.

Matthew Mcconaughey was actually a casting choice I was very much behind. He could rock a good MiB. And he does. He has fun with this role. But yeah, the film surrounding him is utter shite, so what’cha gonna do.

The rest of the cast is mediocre. Nobody stands out. The lady from Vikings whom I like plays Jake’s mother, and she’s pretty meh. And she’s not with Elmer Chambers in this one. She’s with some douchebag who hates the baggage kid he’s gotten in the deal of getting together with this woman. Jackie Earle Haley shows up as a bloated Sayre and he doesn’t really do much. He appears to go mano y mano against Roland towards the end, but just gets shot.

In the books, you first get a really cool introduction to the number 19 during Rolands exploits in Tull, and from then on the number grows and grows in significance. In the film they bash you over the head with it. It’s everywhere. I’m sure if counted, there’d be 19 scenes of exposition, which, you know, there will be, when your adaption of this long, convoluted book series barely clocks in at 95 minutes!

Sadly, it doesn’t start with ‘The man in black fled across the desert’ etc, but it does show up in the film. Not in a way I liked though. I’d want someone like Sam Elliot narrate this line, you know? Instead we get some lady doing this. I forget who she was.

The climax has a battle between Roland and MiB and it reminded me of the 2008 movie ‘Wanted’, you know, the one where they ‘curve the bullet’? God, yes, that one. That was stupid, and this climax had equally stupid parts. With more of Disney’s Robin Hood style tipping the end path of the arrow except with bullets this time.

Phoebe wasn’t too intetested in going, so I went with my brother. He liked it okay. Like, I think, mindless fun. He’s read three or four of the books, but loong ago.

I think there was a few music cues I liked in there. And it was short. I guess that’s my positives.

Haha, alright, I do have some more positives, but they’re not major. Nothing I’d wanna elaborate much on. There was this one moment tho, when they’re in NY at a hospital, that Roland watches a commercial with talking raccoons in it, and he’s all like; “Your animals still talk?”

And Jake is like, “No, that’s a commercial.” Silence, and then, “What do you mean ‘still’?”

Good fun.

Anyway, I love The Dark Tower series, and couldn’t help talking a bit about it. Been a long time coming this adaption. I’m hoping this tv series of Wizard & Glass will be better, since it’s supposedly (hopefully) a more direct adaption.

With the exception of Pennywise himself, I’m really looking forward to IT. I love the miniseries to death, but what’s good about that is Curry’s Pennywise and the child actors. Everything else is somewhat mediocre. This new one looks to have a lot of mood I’m looking for. And the child actors look great. I’ll be walking into this with way higher expectations than I did for DT.

That’s it for now,

love C-dawg

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